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Doing nothing on a Sunday

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Am deschis fereastra asta de new post fara sa ma gandesc exact la ce-o sa scriu si am aceeasi senzatie ca atunci cand trebuie sa-i scrii un email unui prieten - ca trebuie - si nu esti capabil sa distilezi, din ce ti se intampla sau ce simti, nimic coerent, nimic narativ, nimic demn de impartasit.

Ca de obicei, duminica sunt acasa si ma invart in micul meu spatiu de beton cubic fara vreo activitate care sa aduca plus de valoare acestei zile. Evident, pentru aceasta stare nonsensuala, caut un vinovat sau mai multi. Pe repeat este melodia asta:




Tot ca de obicei, caut dragostea in fiecare coltisor din casa si in inima mea. Nu e. Probabil a plecat in vacanta, sau s-a dus in vizita pe la prieteni. O sa revina curand, sper - e cam capricioasa ce-i drept..dar nu intotdeauna ma dezamageste...

Activitati de duminica:

  • Valentin te-a confirmat ca prieten pe Facebook. Aha. Coleg de liceu si unul din cei mai culti si destepti oameni pe care mi-a fost dat sa ii cunosc. Intru pe profilul lui - a fost in toata lumea si a postat online albumele foto care sa o dovedeasca. Din fotografiile facute in locuri exotice ca Uganda, Kenya sau Georgia ii zambeste propriului sau sentiment, intrupat intr-o femeie pe care nu o cunosc, nu am vazut-o, pentru ca nu o arata lumii. Bravo lui, om de valoare si de caracter. Adica, are sute de poze pe Facebook. Still, no disclosure.
  • E ziua surorii mele. Asta se traduce, atunci cand esti la sute de kilometri de aniversarea respectiva, printr-un telefon dat la prima ora. Care la mine a fost in jur de 13:00 dar de la ora 9:00 am tot visat ca o sun. Intr-un final, agasata de atata vis, m-am hotarat sa ma trezesc si sa o sun cu adevarat. La multi ani, Corina!
  • Aflu zilele trecute ca prietena mea din facultate s-a maritat. In Seattle, USA. Acolo isi va petrece, probabil, restul vietii. Are ca pasiune fotografia si a postat pe Facebook un album cu poze ale pisicilor domniei sale. Stiu, nu e propriu-zis activitate de duminica, dar mi-am adus aminte de ea azi. Vedeti voi, si Valentin are, in colectia de poze online, un album cu pisici.

Sincera sa fiu, activitatea principala e sa uit. Sa-l uit pe Eduard suficient incat sa pot scrie un ultim post dedicat lui, prin care sa inchid labelul asta. As evada din propria mea piele si minte o perioada; ca o lasa m-as intoarce cand sunt complet vindecata; as reintra in propriul meu trup in luna iunie (iupii, scap de Postul Pastelui, 6 saptamani de privatiune, dar cam singura privatiune la care supun in timpul anului) exact pe autostrada noaptea, cu mine la volan, in drum spre mare; poate in timpul asta Raluca pe care as parasi-o ar cunoaste un print si as putea sa ma gasesc deja indragostita de altcineva; si din nou zambitoare.

Complicat rationament dar merita toti banii nevinovata mea fantezie de duminica....


Later edit:
Fie, am dat si de o poza cu jumatatea lui Valentin; la descriere a scris simplu: The Lady. Still dignifying - simply elegant.

10 comments:

bibi February 25, 2009 at 8:25 PM  

about my life"wondering does real love still exist or is it just a clise, is it still there or is it a trap between 2 people who just want to take advantage of each other..where is the time when the men were nice and sweet and really care and comit...probably i should go back in time and live in other century..but is it posible??Does someone, anyone knows how to reach there?? i dont think so...I am also wondering if real friendship exists in this continent...maybe it does maybe it doesn't...and maybe one day i will find the answer...I love writing i might be misunderstood and complicated and some of my friends call me lunatic(which i dont deny) but i am good hearted ..this is in my defence...ah..yeah..i do love writing and sometimes i am good, sometimes i complain to much...:)but aparently no one understand..so if u feel the same, jus join my club..."

bibi February 25, 2009 at 8:31 PM  

iam living since a while in a diffrent continent,comunity and people invy me for being here but sometimes i dont wish anyone to be in my shoes..i am still living in a world that is so far from me and so untouchable..excuse my english but i am trying my best and i am very proud for what i have learned in past 2 years...i am keeping virtual contact with my friends and i feel like sort of matrix or whtever that movie's name was...i am cyborg...am i ...yeah some how i feel like that...i am programed to feel to smile to tell lies .. but somehow i am still me..still the crazy girl who left her friends and family behind.i feel like a traidor..somehow i am ..but in the night i am safe..i dont sleep but still is safe..what do we need from life..what do we need from a men...safety..and i dont mean condoms...i mean the feeling..but men are gone..and they took with them the safety feeling..maybe one day i will find in my cyber world a cyber men that i an programe to be what i want...yeah right...keep dreaming i am telling to myself..i am wondering is it frustration talking or is it me...answer....

raluxa February 25, 2009 at 8:41 PM  

...True love is no lure for taking advantage, or ideally it shouldnt be. Loving is a gift and we have been givers more than takers, my bibi...

But how often do we disregard receiving that gift from friends and family! We raise the eyebrows at being loved, just because we are loved by other people than our own receivers... I remember an episode of Sex and the City - u should know, bib... The girls were commenting on how all male soulmates had dissapeared from the face of the Earth and were impossible to find, and somehow they agreed they should be each other's soulmates and men should be just fun people to hang out with, if not more...
I have more in common with you than I will ever have with a man and my love for you as my friend is never virtual. We are on different continents, but so much on the same page. And I am just one of the many people back here who gave you their gift of love. Always remember that while achieving your dreams over there:)

bibi February 25, 2009 at 8:42 PM  

u know there are people that come into ur life..that poison ur life and bring u bad things, they bring rushes and they stay on your skin and in ur skin for a while...somehow i know u when i look at u i see me only smaller size..when i am reading u i read myself only u are better..i do understand ur claims ur wishes there are mine...it is like 2 tears same going to the same direction...down...and we dont deserve that we deserve to smile to be happy..i know now when u look in the mirror u see a scar on ur face but with little help it will go..we need to bite ourself and let the poison to go out...we need to finally let it go ,to start smiling and live in the present,past it is gone..it is dead..we need to consider that all our exex are dead...and burried and they are lieing somewhere in a dark place and the devil takes care of them...we really need to let it go,to stop harm ourself and betraid our trust in urself..we need to be BIBI...what we were and are trained ....do u remember the wine the movies the best time together...it was fun..it is still fun when i am re-living in my memories...we are srong and we can do this..we can put the poison in a glass and put it in the fridge and next time when he is coming back,cuz it will be a next time,give it to him to drink and look at him how he is dieing...and smile....criminal intention..well i was wondering few days back how can a man change a woman so bad...how from a nice person u can becaome a bitch and how he has the gut to tell it is our fault...ha ha...nice try...just fucking die....

bibi February 25, 2009 at 8:44 PM  

i am refering at men....i am frustrated...i am ..and i do love u...always and forever...and ever...

raluxa February 25, 2009 at 9:08 PM  

Oh yes, I have so many times went through the script where I see my own poison take effect on him and others before him...but there are other therapies, conventional or not...and pouring my heart over here then making it public is a mean way of taking up a cure.

It has been a year of writing on the blog or composing messages on my phone before I decided to reveal my writing to others. And so far, I cannot bet on the feedback. But it helps me in a twisted way, laying my heart on a wall where it can take hits or sympathy from all sorts of unknown people. IT IS FAR BETTER THAN ALLOWING HITS FROM JUST ONE PERSON.

I understand completely to what unearthly extent I reflect myself in you while carrying a piece of you to my personality. We hold a bond, hopefully of so much more than the heartbreaks we've been through. Our bond goes all the way back to the good times of smiling, fun and carelessness.

And I love you so much bib. I just wish this love helped you in any way...

bibi February 25, 2009 at 9:15 PM  

whf..ma uit la film…ghici ce fel de film..de dagoste..cum ar fi wedding date si date with tom Hamilton…pana mea file in anumite conditii dragute dar in momentul de fatza le gasesc absoult deprimante..nu pot sa dorm ma intreb de ce..si stiu si raspunsul..e ziua nenorocitului….si ma omoara gandul ca se odihneste in bratele gretoasei egiptence ...o urata cu parul lung ,o femeie barbat bine dar cu tate mari,nu asta e idolul barbatilor…de ce nu am inteles niciodata..si cand ma gandesc ca e fericit si eu nu ma ucide..ma otraveste…de fapt sincer nu ma otraveste el ma otravesc eu singurica…era o faza in film ca fiecare femeie isi face viata amoroasa asa cum vrea ea..plm cum adica…eu ma indragostesc pun inima pe tava si nu numai,invat sa fac optuletze si nu e sufficient..nu sunt cool enough…sunt prea demending si prea cu nasul pe sus..cuvintele lui..u might be smart but I am smarter..ce plm inseamna asta…insemana o umbra de frustrate ,undeva l am lovit in orgoliul de barbat…ce e aia orgoliu de barbat,hai s ail definim.faptul ca el are ceva diferit in pantaloni il defineste barbat…si orgoliu..ce e aia…ca tre sa fie el deasupra,superior…pai daca nu e ce insemana..suna a frustrare suna a disperare..poate ca e..nici eu nu stiu dar stiu ca orice urma de umanitate aveam nu mai e…a ramas o gaura..asa ca un cos…ca un furung…a fost plin a dat pe afara sad us puroiul si a ramas o gaura…urata comparative..iak…sunat iuuu…dar asta cred ca e adevarul…culmea e ca descopar ca sunt anumiti oameni care ma fac sa scriu..care scot ce e mai bun sau ce e mai rau din mine…ma intreb in ce categories a il incadrez pe javra,,,asa e salvat in telefonul meu..oricum nu intelege…l am vazut wkndul trecut..a trecut cu balena pe langa mine mi a aruncat un zambet in sictir….ma gandeam…cum ar fii…are o prietena de a mea o vorba…I will fuck his happiness…si ma gandeam sa ma duc la balena sis a o intreb usor…intreaba l unde a dormit vinery seara…dar riscam o bataie..nu ca nu am mai mancat,vorba aceea am si eu maini dar cum spuneam mai devreme imi place sa ma simt in siguranta asa ca am zis ca imi sta bine cu fatza asta fata vanatai si m am reprofilat gandindu ma cum am sa ma razbun..si intro dimineata mi a venit….imi iau carnet si motor…si …e un plan lung cu o perioda de un an de zile..apoi ziua urmatoare mi am dat seama ca nu merita…merita sa imi dovedesc mie ca mi e bine..nu tre sa dovedesc nimanui ,,,dar ce iti e cu creierul…eu zic nu si el lucreaza ….pana mea si incerc sa ii zic nu si el nimic…ma intreb daca intelege cineva ce vreau sa zic…cineva intelege si aia esti tu…si stiu ca zambesti…nu I asa??

bibi February 25, 2009 at 9:23 PM  

Auzi ce intreaba asta …cum ma iubesti….is it love…cuz love pass in 2 months ,big love pass in 2 years…great love never fade…ce cliseu de kkt...gata m am decis…si am hotarat..contrar tie..nu am sa mai iubesc…

raluxa February 25, 2009 at 9:26 PM  

Bib stop poisoning yourself,it's not worth it...look into perspective - by this time next year the creep will no longer exist in your life if you don't allow this issue to get bigger proportions...
What's the use of spending one year cooking up a revenge plan when you can use this year to LIVE..and grow..and achieve plans and try to match your dreams to the reality around...is it really worth it to give him so much importance while disreagrding yourself?

Stop adjusting your personality to the needs of petty little man chasing your genitalia and start looking deep down inside yourself asking yourself what YOU want and what makes YOU happy. You are stuck on finding a man instead of discovering the true treasure: YOURSELF

Look at me, speaking from books. I never apply all the above. But that's my advice and I'm sticking to it :P

bibi February 25, 2009 at 9:30 PM  

U know what hurts the most…it is his birthday and I cant send him a message.. I do respect him even he doesn’t give a shit about me…he told me that ..last message….we are beyond limits don’t text,call no matter what..so I am not going to…I am going to sleep now hoping that I will wake up and forget about him…about all the harm he done…and somehow even if I have criminal intention towards him I still love him and wish him all the best…isn’t that sad….lame….i am disappointed in me..i don’t know who I am anymore…

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